“It’s not just academics. We have a responsibility to teach our kids social skills and to do it right”. Last night I heard those words from Rick Lavoie who spoke at Eagle Hill in Greenwich, CT. Having worked his whole career in residential and independent day schools with students who have learning differences, Mr. Lavoie knows firsthand about the importance of kids being able to understand their world and to be liked by others. Students with learning differences do not automatically understand the meaning of social interactions. They may not read or interpret another child’s verbal or nonverbal cues accurately. Students with learning differences may or may not understand the social expectations that exist in any given situation.
There are many unwritten and unspoken social expectations that exist. Most of us participate in these interactions without a second thought whether that means waiting our turn in line, making room on the sidewalk for other people to pass or simply making eye contact with people when they speak to us. If social skills are so critical to our children’s success and happiness, why don’t we teach them? According to Mr. Lavoie, the answer is simple: we don’t teach social skills because we don’t test for them. Social competence is not highly measurable. Yet almost all of our kids’ waking hours involve some sort of social contact that requires social skills. Without a degree of competence, children are left confused and without the critical friendships that they want and deserve. Our schools do not view social skills as critical, but rather supplementary to a child’s education. In reality, it is just as important that kids understand how to navigate their world and feel liked by others as it is for them to gain knowledge from the curriculum. When looking at a child’s life over time, skills trump knowledge every time.
One might wonder why kids with learning differences can’t learn social skills from their parents just by being around them, similar to the way many children learn manners from their parents. The answer is that the thinking that is required in social cognition is not something that can be mimicked. To understand the meaning behind social interactions, kids need to be able to understand that establishing and maintaining a friendship is a sequential process. Friendships do not happen instantly because kids want them to. They require a getting to know period by both parties during which each person shares some of their likes and interests. Similarly, kids say things to their peers and refrain from making other types of comments that would be offensive. How do some children know ahead of time that a comment might be offensive? Students who have social skills are able to predict how the other person might feel about a particular comment and will decide that the comment is not appropriate or would not be well received.
The question remains, how can we help kids who do not have the social cognition to understand the unspoken/unwritten expectations, who don’t know how to initiate and navigate friendships and who have difficulty inhibiting inappropriate comments?
According to Mr. Lavoie, students benefit the most from practicing skills in the real world. Specifically, he outlines a multi-step strategy that aims to take apart social interactions to determine what went wrong and then teach the right response.
The process works like this:
Step 1: Have the child explain what happened in the situation.
Step 2: Ask the child to identify what their mistake was. If they are unable to do that, tell them what the mistake was. Help the child to examine what caused the mistake.
Step 3: Evaluate how much damage was done. Was an interaction so offensive that a friendship cannot be repaired? Has a child earned a reputation that they will have a very difficult time negating? What can be done?
Step 4: Teach the child a large amount of background information that can help prevent misinterpretation of interactions. When a child refers to prior knowledge or experiences, they are more likely to correctly interpret the current interaction that they are experiencing.
Step 5: Have a child practice these skills in real interactions as part of their homework. Practice will help a child gain confidence and get better at developing these skills.
Finally, parents are encouraged to use every opportunity to teach their children background information and to have their children practice their social skills in real interactions. Teaching our children social skills needs to become a priority in schools and at home. For students with learning differences, having social skills can mean the difference between a lonely childhood and happy one. Parents who take the time to understand their child’s social functioning and to help them acquire critical social skills are giving their child a gift for life.